Divorce Day Part 1 : Conscious Uncoupling Step Two
I, for one, am happy to say goodbye to 2015. It wasn’t all bad, but it wasn’t my best year either. It was a year full of physical and mental pain. I am thankful I’ve finally been able to manage some of that pain; I’ve also had to go through another type of pain with ending my marriage in November. While I will cherish all of the good memories and count the things I am thankful for (a new tradition I will follow in 2016) I am looking forward to starting 2016 so I can have a fresh start.
However, while I ended my marriage with a clear head and somehow a strong desire for self-care throughout and after the process, not everyone will feel the same in the same situation. For a lot of people, the idea of getting divorced can be scary, and many will prefer to stay in an unhappy marriage instead. The truth here is that is going to do more damage to your health, both mental and physical, in the long term. You might even look for ways to self-medicate the pain of unhappiness, which can lead to unhealthy habits, such as drinking too much for example. If this sounds a little too close to home, you can learn more about escaping harmful habits here. Anyway, the lesson for me was to seize the opportunity to be myself and love myself fully. And this is where it’s important to make decisions for your well-being.
This year will bring me a lot of changes. I am working on some things and chipping away at that list individually. I have set some plans in action, and we’ll talk through those as the changes are made. I am positive that now that I am 40, I can look forward to the second phase of my life being completely different and better than the first.
I loved it. I have lived. I have learned about myself.
[Tweet “”Out with the old, in with the true.”~ Jeff Brown”]
One of the things I started doing to take care of myself is practicing better self-care. One of the things I am doing is going through the steps in Conscious Uncoupling.
Step Two: Reclaim Your Power and Your Life
In step two, it’s time to “let go of being a wounded victim of love and shift your perspective to taking personal responsibility for your part in what happened.” I hope that since I am well on my way to knowing my part, I can see I was responsible for my suffering over the years. I have made my peace with that.
This morning, I’m off with Mr. McConnell to the courthouse for moral support as I was not called to court. Since I did not contest it and signed the papers right then and there, the court did not see a need to mess with unnecessary paperwork and ask me to come to court. But a small part of us thought this was an error and that I should show up just in case. Mr. McConnell was issued papers, but he also filed the documents at the courthouse. Either way, we are choosing to use this day as a celebration.
NOTE (1:00PM): I am back from court, and this wasn’t for ‘us’ but instead for him, as he filed papers to have filing fees waived due to finances. We got caught in a snowstorm with a complete whiteout! I’m glad he and I can hang out together and still laugh.
A celebration of a divorce?
Sure, why not? People have divorce parties all the time! But, seriously, we love each other. There is no doubt about that. We have been struggling for seven years to find our way together. We’ve had ups and downs, but our downs have been super ugly and stressful. After a while, it takes its toll.
We both knew, at some point over the years, that one of us would be the stronger one and let the other go. A few weeks before he became the stronger one, I had mentioned that it had gotten to a point where we were fighting more often than not. It was affecting all of us in so many ways. I couldn’t let go. I didn’t let go.
But he did.
While I went through phases and anger, I realized that there were things to be thankful for. He loved me. I loved him. By sharing his life and his daughter, he showed me that I am a wonderful mother and caretaker. He helped me realize I am so much smarter than I give myself credit for. We traveled and saw things some people only dream of getting to do.
Those are the things I choose to hold on to.
In 2016, I am taking control of my life once again. I am making some plans and making some changes, trying to connect the dots from A to B.
I have made amends with Mr. McConnell. We both have. We are both in a place where we can talk and laugh without crying and yelling. And after five weeks of separation, I was finally able to see this beautiful face:
I am learning that I don’t have to be defined by my past, my mental illness, or my physical illnesses. I’m learning to accept the things I cannot change, let go of the guilt, and walk into the new year with my head high and proud of all the things I have accomplished.
I wanted a perfect ending. I’ve learned that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what will happen next.” ~ Gilda Radner
What is one change you plan on making for 2016?
My ex husband and I get along better now than we ever did when we were married. We just weren’t meant to be married, you know?
I understand that 100%. We do care about each other a great deal and there is some love there, just not that “in love” one should have when married. We really are better as friends and not living together!
I’m sorry 2015 was a rough year for you! Like you, I’m thrilled that it’s 2016 and that we can all start with a fresh slate! I too am keeping track of what I’m thankful for!
I hope 2016 is a great year for you. It seems like you have definitely done a lot of soul searching.
I’m sorry that change is so hard for all of us. It SUCKS hard. But I hope that 2016 brings you comfort, joy and some adventure, too.
People always say you should marry your best friend, but sometimes your best friend is just your best friend. It’s unfortunate that it didn’t work out for you, but here’s to 2016 being an amazing year for you!
I’m glad you choose to see the positives in a hard situation. Wishing you lots of freedom and power in 2016!
I think it is absolutely wonderful that both can be amicable during this time. I hope you do well with the conscious uncoupling and can get through the steps to be a healthier, happier you!
What a beautiful expression of what you’ve been going through. I loved what you said about the poem not rhyming, etc. You are going to rock 2016!
I am glad you two can still be friends even through the divorce. And so happy you got to see your step-daughter again! What a beautiful photo of you two! Best wishes that your 2016 kicks butt!
You are handling a trying situation with such a wonderful attitude. 2015 was a stressful year for me, but I’m finding a lot of it just comes from how I choose to handle it. Hoping to kick butt in 2016.
I love that you could hang out, laugh and survive the whiteout too, lol. Not many people can say that, sadly I am one. But that’s okay. we brush aside that which we can’t change, and like your quote said, ‘out with the old, in with the true,’
I applaud your courage to take this step. It’s often easier to stay in something familiar rather than leaving for an unknown future. It sounds for both of you you did the right thing. Can’t wait to see what adventures 2016 brings you! All the best.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It is very brave of you. I am glad that this difficult time is going well. I’m glad you can be around each other and not argue. It sounds like you guys are moving forward in a positive way.
This is so powerful and heartbreaking at the same time. I couldn’t imagine all of the emotion going through your mind
I have to think about the most important change for 2106. It’s good to be weathering your divorce with some good plans for 2016. Hang in there and keep a stiff upper lip.
2016 is going to be a great year full of changes for me. Both of my kids are in College now and i am able to focus more on myself. I am following my dreams and changing my carer path.
I think it is great that you still get along so well.
And also that you see that it is important to take responsibility for part of the reason why things did not always work out well.
I did that too with my marriage, and the separation and divorce was so much easier then most people go through.
Still very sorry to hear about your separation. Although I was never married my live-in boyfriend of years when we broke up it felt like a divorce. We were together for 6 year so it was weird but it was something that had to be done. I am glad you and your ex-husband can at least still be friends after this. I wish you the best in 2016 my love hugs and kisses!
Wow I love the strength and courage that you have for yourself and your little girl! So commendable! Wishing you all the best in the new chapter of your journey!
Excellent choice of staying positive. What a strong woman you are for being appreciative and moving-on with your chin up while learning from the past with reflection A lot of people (me including possibly) would rather take the easier route by blaming others and by living in resentment, which, would only imprison ourselves without self-love or growth.
Keep it up, you are fabulous inside and out!
You are going to do great! I remember when I divorced my first husband, after the first initial shock of it all I felt a breath of fresh air and have enjoyed life to the fullest since!
Great content and tips that every divorce person can refer through it.