It should come as no surprise that Mother’s Day isn’t a happy day for everyone. My mother is alive and very well, so that is not the problem. I do get upset that her mother is no longer with us, but she lived 80 wonderful years; so I am at peace with her passing. My mother is an amazing woman and I tell her often how appreciative I am of her and how she raised me. She raised a strong, independent women who is not afraid to speak her mind, shows sympathy for others, and leave’s the judging to that person’s Higher Power.
What make’s me sad about Mother’s Day is that I am not a mother. I am a Step Mother and have been for 7 years. (She was 3 when we met). Being a step-mom is completely different than being a mother. I am her caretaker when she’s with us, and I am one of her best friends; but I will never be her mother. Her mother and I get along well and she loves that kiddo and I get along so well – so no issues there.
I grew up with a mother that wanted me to be strong and independent. She wanted me to get through college, get a job, and then get married. She would always tell me that I should never settle for a man and give my life away (meaning, change what I wanted in life in terms of a career). I did just that. I never planned how many kid I would have with my friends when we were younger. I never talked about my wedding or how I dreamed it would be. I always talked about where I was going to go to college, where I would live and all of the traveling I would do. When friends would talk about having babies, I would always joke that I would just adopt stating there were too many unwanted children in this world. I should help them.
I did change where I went to college and the big travel plans got sidetracked so many times. When I hit the age of 30, most of my friends already had 5-10 year-olds. My husband and I had been together for 10 years and after we got married, it just seemed like the next step. Only, producing a child never happened. About a year after we started trying, we ended up divorcing. It was never figured out why no baby was made.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with PCOS; which explained so many life-long symptoms and explains why I never conceived (lets put it this way, in my early 20s, I wasn’t always so smart). Now, here I am approaching 40 and feeling like I’ll never be able to have my own child and adoption seems impossible.
Then, I start to second guess myself because of my age. I still want to travel, and all those old thoughts and dreams come back to haunt me. But, I don’t want to miss out on the experience of being a mom. So, on days like Mother’s Day I have to come to terms with the fact that I may never be a mom.
I fear, my ship has sailed.
I find blogging is a hard job sometimes. I don’t consider myself to be a ‘mom blogger’ or ‘mommy blogger’ and I actually quite dislike that phrase. But, when I find myself in networking groups and clubs reading 100s of posts about children and what diapers people like to use, I start to really second guess my choice.
I don’t know what my future holds in regards to my hopes and dreams, but I do know that with a birthday right around the corner, I want to make the second half of my life much better than the first.
Note: I know. I am a bad girl. I haven’t been consistent with the A to Z Challenge. It’s hard! At least it is for me. While I have posts missing here, I have multiple sites I am writing on. One of them I write on pretty much daily. So, with deadlines and other sites, I tend to let the A to Z Challenge fall to the wayside.