This is a follow-up post to my face of real depression.
It was a cry out for help. At the time of that video I felt so down and out. While I wasn’t suicidal, I had reached a point in my depression where if I did not wake up the next morning I’d just be better off. I felt that everyone else would be too.
It’s not the first time I have felt like that. It may not be the last. But I knew if it reached a point where I had a ‘goodbye’ style video on my phone for people to find that it was time for me to suck it up, realize I can’t do this alone and I needed to go back on my meds.
Calling to make my Dr. appointment was the hardest thing I have had to do in a long time.
That photo up there is my husband and me, last year at the Color Vibe. We had kiddo with us. It was not my first 5k, but it was our first as a family. Since that photo I have put on at least 40 pounds. We didn’t run much. A few sprints here and there, mostly to be silly. I miss running. I miss walking.
I am ready to find my way back.
Yesterday (Monday) was my appointment. I almost bailed. I am still battling some funky stomach crap and just wasn’t feeling up to it. But, I decided to just try. I went grocery shopping and bought good foods that I can make some healthy meals out of. I am desperate to get back on my “80 to Goal” program. I’m still on my quest to find beauty in me, but I have to do things one step at a time.
My Dr. was very helpful. She listened with an open mind and agreed that I should get back on my meds. I had to come to terms with the fact that I might have to be on PTDS/depression/anxiety meds for the rest of my life. It is not my fault. But I have an illness that can’t be managed on my own.
I started back on my depression meds today. The anxiety meds and pain meds I am to take as needed. I am also to start making small changes.
I made a few small steps today, which I documented on my personal Facebook this morning.
Step 1: Equipped with anti depressants and anti anxiety meds along with pain helpers I am ready to get my life back on track. I am no longer afraid to admit I need their help and most likely will for the rest of my life. I will no longer use lack of finances as an excuse or that I think I can do it on my own. Because, I can’t. My issues stem over 30 years. It’s ok to need help. I have come to terms with it.
Step 2: Take a walk. Even if it’s inside and even if you can only do 5 minutes. Well I am now on minute 15. It’s slow and it’s painful. But here I am.
Another step for today: Get dressed. Working from home causes me to be a bum. I figure no one is going to see me, why bother getting out of my tshirts and yoga pants. They are comfy and they fit. Today, I put on some jeans and a tad nicer tshirt. I am hoping it will help me be more productive and feel like I am “at work.”