St. Patrick’s Day weekend was a lot of fun. I was able to get away and unwind for three days. I watched TV, had some good food, logged some miles, got some writing done, and just relaxed. But the weekend also gave me a dose of reality.
There are some things I have been hiding for quite a while. Just how bad things have become. I am embarrassed and ashamed (and that is putting it lightly). I worked so hard all those years ago on Weight Watchers to get fit and healthy. Making Lifetime was such a proud moment for me. Now here I am, weight is all back and then some. My back is in a constant state of pain. My right hip is not much better and now my left hip is following close behind. (You can read all about my back problem here: Degenerative Disk Disease & Arthritis )
The pain constantly triggers my migraines and it is like this endless cycle of pain. The arthritis (OMG I am only 36!!) is only a small portion of the things to come if I don’t get my weight down. I just don’t know why its so hard this time. My clothes are tight, I only have a few things that fit. It’s even harder for me to go out in public. I am angry that I let myself get this far with the problem. I just can’t seem to break free from it.
I do not have full length mirrors in our home. Not because I don’t want them. We just don’t have them. It’s not like I meant to hide from myself. But standing in front of a hotel mirror trying to get ready – well – there is nowhere to hide in that bathroom. So, there I was for all to see. Well, not all. Just me. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. All this time I have felt crooked because I am. My right side is shorter due to the back and hip problems but I never realized you could SEE it.
Not that I like posting photos of myself on the internet like this, but I figure its no worse than a bathing suit. I am mortified that I am even posting this, but I want to be able to show everyone just how bad things are for me. People from my past, they have a the old me to compare it to. People in my life now can compare it to the “me” from just a year ago because it was not this bad this time last year.
If you look on the right, follow the lines down my hips you will see on the right their is a larger blob (I say its fat) than on the left. When you push on it, it feel weird. Not like the fat pocket on the other side. When I push harder, it hurts the spots on my back and hip that are associated with the other ailments. Big M thinks that my right side has a muscle strain because it has to work harder. My mom thinks I have cysts. Either way – it LOOKS GROSS.
And just so you know it’s really me – there are the tattoos. (Newbs – you can read about the tattoo story by clicking the link – link 🙂
Now you know the reason for the “beware” photo in the beginning.
Putting myself out there is not thrilling – AT ALL. But I feel like it is all part of my healing process, both mentally and physically.
The weight is putting a strain on my body. I have to get my crap together and get my weight down.