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Facing My Demons. Facing My Reality.

St. Patrick’s Day weekend was a lot of fun.  I was able to get away and unwind for three days. I watched TV, had some good food, logged some miles, got some writing done, and just relaxed. But the weekend also gave me a dose of reality.

There are some things I have been hiding for quite a while. Just how bad things have become. I am embarrassed and ashamed (and that is putting it lightly). I worked so hard all those years ago on Weight Watchers to get fit and healthy.  Making Lifetime was such a proud moment for me. Now here I am, weight is all back and then some. My back is in a constant state of pain. My right hip is not much better and now my left hip is following close behind. (You can read all about my back problem here: Degenerative Disk Disease & Arthritis )
The pain constantly triggers my migraines and it is like this endless cycle of pain. The arthritis (OMG I am only 36!!) is only a small portion of the things to come if I don’t get my weight down. I just don’t know why its so hard this time. My clothes are tight, I only have a few things that fit. It’s even harder for me to go out in public. I am angry that I let myself get this far with the problem. I just can’t seem to break free from it.
I do not have full length mirrors in our home. Not because I don’t want them. We just don’t have them. It’s not like I meant to hide from myself. But standing in front of a hotel mirror trying to get ready – well – there is nowhere to hide in that bathroom. So, there I was for all to see. Well, not all. Just me. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. All this time I have felt crooked because I am. My right side is shorter due to the back and hip problems but I never realized you could SEE it.
Not that I like posting photos of myself on the internet like this, but I figure its no worse than a bathing suit. I am mortified that I am even posting this, but I want to be able to show everyone just how bad things are for me. People from my past, they have a the old me to compare it to. People in my life now can compare it to the “me” from just a year ago because it was not this bad this time last year.
If you look on the right, follow the lines down my hips you will see on the right their is a larger blob (I say its fat) than on the left. When you push on it, it feel weird. Not like the fat pocket on the other side. When I push harder, it hurts the spots on my back and hip that are associated with the other ailments. Big M thinks that my right side has a muscle strain because it has to work harder. My mom thinks I have cysts. Either way – it LOOKS GROSS.
And just so you know it’s really me – there are the tattoos. (Newbs – you can read about the tattoo story by clicking the link – link 🙂


Now you know the reason for the “beware” photo in the beginning.
Putting myself out there is not thrilling – AT ALL. But I feel like it is all part of my healing process, both mentally and physically.
The weight is putting a strain on my body. I have to get my crap together and get my weight down.
I am trying to avoid weight loss surgery.
I am just trying to get back to goal.

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  1. I can say this from experience, abusing yourself, doesn't work. Honesty is important. You can't lie about the fact your pants don't fit because they shrunk. You really didn't see the extra fat, etc. However, becoming disgusted and self abusive is not self-motivating it just makes you more depressed and harder to motivate.

    You have some tough challenges and you are going to have to find a way to be kind to yourself, not let yourself slide further, but be kind as you find exercises that work with your physical challenges. Accept that it is harder to lose the weight as you get older and now add more health challenges you didn't have when you were younger. Self abuse will not help. Focus on solutions that will work. Otherwise you are just looking to sabatoge any chance you have of success.

  2. Oh I am so identifying with this, I have the same issue with weight and with pain. Different causes but the same anyway. I am trying to keep my heart from stopping, you would think that would be incentive enough, I have grandchildren to take cre of yet I am so tired. I am years older than you. I pray you can find peace and release. Jan

  3. My husband is 4 years younger than me and hes on medications to control his blood pressure, heart, and other things. Heart disease runs in his family. We are trying to get him healthy too, but he is so stubborn. I had hoped to have a child of my own someday, its hard enough to keep up with his 7 yr old in the body I am in. I have let my weight get in the way of so many things in life. I will keep you in my prayers Jan.

  4. I am seriously trying not to beat myself up. I have always been my own worst enemy. I emotionally eat and have issues with food that stem from my childhood abuse. I know that. I have tried to get treatment for it. I am sure I need treatment again. I have food issue. It is not my only issue. The pain is an issue. So, sometimes even when I am motivated, its hard to get going. I just keep trying. I have been trying since I started the Nutrisystem blogger program last year, and still nothing. That scale is not moving. Its just hard to stay positive when you are frustrated because it seems like your hard work was for nothing. But I just can't give up. Not now. Not this time. I can't stay in this body any longer. I will keep trying. And I will try harder to focus on the days I do good things.

  5. I guess you have to ask yourself what the motivation for the pictures is to decide if you are doing it to have an honest evaluation of where you are and facing the truth, which we all need to do. It is so easy to avoid the truth or if you are doing it as a means of self abuse. Only you know, but it comes across as more abusive than a reality check.

    Reality seems to be an admission that what you are trying isn't working and the weight is still there. You've done that by switching weight programs and acknowleding what you are doing isn't working. You can't accept that and give up or it can kill you. However, the goal has to be finding another solution, not abusing yourself because you it isn't working. That just leads to more failure.

    Frustration is going to be part of the journey. The older and more physically challenged we get the harder it is to lose weight. The more frightening it gets because the weight can lead to even more physical challenges which of course leads to more weight issues and more limited options for exercise and diet. You can't lie to yourself or make excuses that allow the behaviors to continue, but my experience is abusing myself just makes it harder to achieve any success.

    You deserve better.

  6. I am admitting the truth. My choices led me here. I can blame the depression, PTSD, anxiety, disk disease or the arthritis. Or I can face facts that yes, these things are wrong with me, but I still made the choice to not exercise and eat what I did. I can't do that anymore. I can't hide behind these illnesses and use them as excuses. Now I am on a mission to find a formula that works for me whether its using the points system or tracking calories. I have to track what goes in and the exercise. I do this to keep myself accountable. I just keep telling myself – I did it once, I can do it again.

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